For now here's an older one I haven't unearthed since last Feb./Mar. Maybe someone can help me update?
RESEARCH
She's plump and comfy as a German dumpling,
this issue of the West Rhine with fine flaxen
hair flying behind her like diaphanous
wings as she moves through the mosquito lab.
She pins a female under the microscope,
observes the scalloped abdomen swell until
the insect can't stand on its spindly legs;
it sinks into a satisfied stupor,
ending its whiny buzz and edgy urge to fly.
ending its whiny buzz and edgy urge to fly.
Now it's time: The student grips her scalpel
and pulls apart the culex, probing tissue
for a mark of the dark West Nile virus.
Later, in her soft bed, after her married
lover's body lays her flat, after she feasts
and her abdomen fills with his fluids,
after glut and gratitude make her legs weak,
he rises and returns to his little family. Then,
in a shadowed corner she carves stinging scrolls
on her arm. In the erupting red,
can she find the radix of this toxic coupling?
Hi Ruth,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this. Sorry I'm a bit late in responding. I really like this poem—the narrative is really dynamic and the poem makes some really great leaps. I think it’s mostly a matter of shaping the poem at this point.
I live the second stanza. I wonder if you could start at the first line of the second stanza: “She pins a female under the microscope” is such a dynamic first line and it sets up the rest of the poem really well. I’m not sure if we need a visual of the woman—I think the poem gains more from the description of the mosquito. I love the lines:
the insect can't stand on its spindly legs;
it sinks into a satisfied stupor,
ending its whiny buzz and edgy urge to fly.
I wonder if you need the West Nile mention—I think you need to either develop it more, making it more visual and symbolic—or cut it. Right now it kind of trips me up. To me, the poem lies in the leap between the women at the microscope –the juxtaposition between the two characters and the vulnerability of the two characters really drives the piece.
I also wonder if you need the word “married”—I think it’s implied later in the poem. It makes sense to tell us narratively—but the word knocks me out of the rhythm of the poem. I might also cut the word “after” from that stanza.
For the most part this feels pretty tight. I think it's mostly a matter of smoothing out the languange where the rhythm trips. Good luck revising!
~Rachael
Well written poem. Great metaphor. I agree with everything Rachael said. You poetry always impresses me.
ReplyDeleteRuth- I think after reading through your poem maybe you were trying to make a comparison between the fly and the woman; however, I wasn't sure and I felt more confused than anything.
ReplyDelete