Salad Days
Soft tortillas spread with creamy green avocado,
the Aztec love fruit-- and fragile young leaf
shoots, succulent smooth verdolaga, crowned
with rounds of fleshy red tomato.
Our first mouthful and the world tastes new.
It floats down our throats to our hearts,
which split open like ripe love apples,
spilling the sweet juice of youth.
Eat slowly. Before we know,
it's gone except for crumbs
and smudges, like the few
years we have left.
Wipe them away
with a white rag,
a shroud.
............................
I could move the first word, "the," of the second line up to the first line (and same with "shoots") to make the triangle style more precise, but I didn't like that. Any opinions about that? It wasn't intended to be a triangle in the first place, but it does diminish as it goes, which is also sort of the theme. It just happened.
............................
I could move the first word, "the," of the second line up to the first line (and same with "shoots") to make the triangle style more precise, but I didn't like that. Any opinions about that? It wasn't intended to be a triangle in the first place, but it does diminish as it goes, which is also sort of the theme. It just happened.
Mel, I have never really noticed the shape of most poems and I think it is more important to use the words of the poem to tell a story rather than to work on the shape. I wouldn't change things to enhance the shape. Just my opinion!
ReplyDeleteRuth,
ReplyDeleteI really love this one. I agree with what Debbie said about shape in regard to the "the"--I think it works better in the second line. As for the rest of the poem, I like the way structure seems to mirror content...the shape feels organic and that's why it works so well.
I love the first and third stanza. There's something so sensory and almost mythical about the voice. The narrator seems willing to inhabit the moment in such a way that I, as a reader, want to inhabit that moment as well. I love the line: "Eat slowly" and the way the narrator connects the fruit to the Aztecs. It's really lovely writing.
As you revise I would consider revisiting the poem's second stanza. The details of the relationship felt a little less concrete than some of the other details in the poem. I'd love to see this relationship explored in the same lyrical voice the narrator uses in the other stanzas. It works as is--but I think you can make it even stronger.
Hope that helps.
~Rachael
Mmmm. Delicious imagery here. I had to look up Verdolaga. What a beautiful word though, especially when followed by shoots, succulent smooth.
ReplyDeleteAnna
Thanks for your comments, everyone. I had read an article praising verdolaga, otherwise I wouldn't have known about it, but it is what they call call this salad green in South/Central America--maybe it was Mexican food the article was about, and I thought it would go along with the Aztec. Anyway, I wondered about using it--if it was too obscure, but a lot of online recipes seem to use it.
ReplyDeleteRachael, I have tried to rewrite the second stanza and nothing comes out right. I am not even sure how to approach it if I throw out the whole stanza and start with a new one. Maybe it should just be eliminated? What do you think? Or any ideas about how to approach a new second stanza?
Okay, here's an idea, not perfected yet, but this tells more about a relationship. Am I on the right track? I'll just print the whole thing, but only the second stanza is different:
ReplyDeleteSalad Days
Soft tortillas spread with creamy green avocado,
the Aztec love fruit-- and fragile young leaf
shoots, succulent smooth verdolaga, crowned
with rounds of fleshy red tomato.
Our first taste revels on our tongues
with the relish of new love, a flavor
whose zest was gradually sacrificed
to the saga of our long marriage.
Eat slowly. Before we know,
it's gone except for crumbs
and smudges, like the few
years we have left.
Wipe them away
with a white rag,
a shroud.