First, what was to be my final version:
Holding On
July, the leaves are dense with chlorophyll,
a green I want to grasp, and plums in hand
are sweet. My husband and I keep vigil.
We watch my swollen belly, firm and round
a melon ripening while the fetus grows,
my sugared blood sustaining our shared bond.
My partner and I are forty and we know
the season soon will turn, descend to fall.
Now I want to feel the jutting elbows
and bony knees, vernix covered, caul
encased and safe--away from the knock
at the worldly door--inside, behind snug walls.
The last time I'll be pregnant, I balk.
I'm five days overdue and culpable.
I've suspended earthly time, I sleepwalk...
A one way voyage through the birth canal--
our cleavage, breath from breath, will be final.
...................................................
And then, just transposing second to last stanza to first, which messes up terza rima form, (but I could work on trying to restore it if anyone thinks it's really, really worth it):
Holding On
The last time I'll be pregnant, I balk.
I'm five days overdue and culpable.
I've suspended earthly time, I sleepwalk...
July, the leaves are dense with chlorophyll,
a green I want to grasp, and plums in hand
are sweet. My husband and I keep vigil.
We watch my swollen belly, firm and round
a melon ripening while the fetus grows,
my sugared blood sustaining our shared bond.
My partner and I are forty and we know
the season soon will turn, descend to fall.
Now I want to feel the jutting elbows
and bony knees, vernix covered, caul
encased and safe--away from the knock
at the worldly door--inside, behind snug walls.
A one way voyage through the birth canal--
our cleavage, breath from breath, will be final.
........................................
Okay, this is added a little later. I'm sorry, I said only one post a week after last week, but these are going to be submitted this week and I have one last question. I have two alternative third stanzas for this one, in italics. Is one better, and why?
........................................
Okay, this is added a little later. I'm sorry, I said only one post a week after last week, but these are going to be submitted this week and I have one last question. I have two alternative third stanzas for this one, in italics. Is one better, and why?
Adios, Salad Days
Corn tortillas spread with creamy green avocado,
the seductive Aztec fruit--and smooth leaf
shoots, succulent verdolaga, crowned
with rounds of red tomato flesh.
The first bite revels on our tongues like
the spent juice of youth. It floats down
our throats to our hearts, which split
open like ripe love apples.
Eat slowly. Before we know,
it's gone, like the few years
we have left.
Eat slowly. Before we know,
it's almost gone. The shreds (or since you didn't like shreds, smudges or crumbs)
are like the few years
we have left.
Wipe away the seeds
with a white rag,
a shroud.
Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI think omitting that stanza that was confusing us is a good choice now, especially because of your deadline. Of course you lose some information in the process, and interesting information, but it is a stronger poem without it unless you wanted to go back and do substantive revision to make that point clearer. I wouldn't worry about staying strictly to the terza rima, unless it is part of the rules for this submission. If it doesn't work for your poem, don't be constricted by form.
Salad days:
Both stanzas are over-stating I think. What if you left out "like the few years we have left" and just leave "Eat slowly. Before we know, It's almost gone." I think that could stand on its own as a statement of having a short time to enjoy life, especially when you end on the image of the shroud, which strongly indicates the end of life. What do you think about using slow instead of slowly? It does fun things with know that way, but maybe it is too sing song. Also, shreds stands out to me as a very harsh sound for this poem. That is definitely personal taste on my part. Good luck with these submissions Ruth! You have worked hard on these and they are all beautiful and very much your own.
Anna