Eighth and Main
You park five blocks away since it's a pleasant day
to walk--well, it's a little hot, but your bank
account is low and the parking lot expensive,
and you certainly could use the exercise.
You're plodding along the sidewalk on Eighth,
then /when you turn the corner onto Main.
For a moment you feel that old optimism,
the possibility of a bright future, infuse your being.
Is it the way the green fingers of ginkgo reach
through the infinite blue sky to clasp the golden sphere
of the sun, cradle it, ready to hand you its pure
radiance, its alchemical cure, its wealth?
But your knees ache and you remember
your cache of good health has been spent, coin by coin,
until you grasp for what's left with both hands.
Happiness stamps away, enraged that you don't embrace it,
or Enraged that you don't embrace it, happiness stamps away
and leaves you to walk alone with one foot planted
on Main and the other raised over the abyss.
......................................................................................
Salad Day
Fresh tortillas spread with creamy green avocado,
the seductive/voluptuous/zaftig/curvy/lustful/lusty/lush Aztec fruit--and fragile young
leaf shoots, succulent verdolaga, crowned
with rounds of fleshy red tomato.
The first bite revels on our tongues like
the smooth juice of youth. It floats down
our throats to our hearts, which split
open like ripe love apples.
Eat slowly. Before we know, it's gone.
The crumbs and smudges
are like the few years
we have left.
Wipe away the shreds
with a white rag,
a shroud.
Eight and Main:
ReplyDeleteTo address your questions first: Plod instead of plodding is stronger to me, just because its shorter. Why use a gerund when you can avoid it? Either then or when will work, but do you need either? Starting with Happiness stamps away, is a clearer sentence structure. I'm not sure it works here to have happiness personified. Happiness can't really stomp, unless you are invoking magical realism in the piece, and then that needs to come through in more places.
Ruth, what I love most about the piece are the lines:
"of the sun, cradle it, ready to hand you its pure
radiance, its alchemical cure, its wealth?"
Alchemical cure is so inventive, and this image of the Ginko tree is vivid and exact. I wonder where this poem starts. I think it begins as this person steps around the corner. What would it sound without the lines about the parking lot?
This poem turns back to sadness very abrubtly, because of pain, which I think is good, and surprising. I get lost in the physical action that's occurring at the end. Is this person frozen in place by pain with one foot raised? Is he/she still walking? Because pain is the transition in this piece, the physical details are going to carry more weight. I want to see this person more clearly at the end. "Coin by coin" is great. What is lyrical Iowa? Good luck with your submissions!
Salad Day:
ReplyDeleteWell, now I am hungry. This is vivid in detail also and it creates quite a pleasing poem about those things we crave. You have a lot of adjectives there you could use. What about using Aztec. Usually adjectives need to be used sparingly. They can be a crutch in poetry for more descriptive language. The verbs should be doing the work. Same with fragile and young. Maybe choose one. One will force you to choose the best one. I love zaftig. Is there another way you could use it in the poem?
"smooth juice of youth" loses something for me, because it makes it sound like you are trying to emplace meaning into the poem. That meaning will come through imagery. I can't tell whether the (two?) people in the poem are young or old, but their lack of years (maybe to live?)seems to be the conflict here. How can you show that through your wonderful with imagery? In the last stanza, shreds stands out to me. Shreds of what? It has a harsh sound to it, that doesn't fit with the supple smoothness of the rest of the poem. The white rag is a compelling image to end on, and a great choice. It makes me think something has been given up or forfeited. Thanks again Ruth