A place for sharing and work-shopping poetry, fiction, and nonfiction.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Child of Mine by Debbie
FanStory.com
Child of Mine
A warm embrace
The feel of your lips on my face
The joy of seeing you
Brings in the day anew
After you have been away
It is wonderful to see you today
I want to see you play
In that carefree, happy way
Oh, beautiful child of mine
You make my life divine
Thanks for sharing your work. I really like the rhyme and rhythm of this poem. You play a lot with sound and in some ways it feels very tight.
I wondered about the note at the bottom. You wrote that the poem was for parents who had been seperated from their children--yet the poem itself stikes me as fairly positive. I wonder if you could add a couple lines that would convey the tension we see in your author's note. I think adding that layer of tension and conflict could deepen and strenthen the poem.
Debbie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your work. I really like the rhyme and rhythm of this poem. You play a lot with sound and in some ways it feels very tight.
I wondered about the note at the bottom. You wrote that the poem was for parents who had been seperated from their children--yet the poem itself stikes me as fairly positive. I wonder if you could add a couple lines that would convey the tension we see in your author's note. I think adding that layer of tension and conflict could deepen and strenthen the poem.
Good luck revising!
~Rachael