Bubbles filtrating up through the emerald-like lake
On a warm spring day, I scope out my surroundings
A man positioning his camera
as he beckons for the two swans to pose
The white swans preening themselves
next to a glistening maple tree
A father and his curly-haired daughter
feed the swans pieces of hot dog buns
Up in the sky a plane pulls a glider behind it
The sound of the Campanile chimes
a quarter after four
Breaking the stillness of silence
Definitely better, Mel. Repositioning of lines works well. Dropping Dan was a good idea. (I mean in the poem, not in real life!)
ReplyDeleteMel, since the lake is emerald colored, do you need the -like in the first stanza? I think it might flow better without it. I like the change to the last line.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the emerald-like. If you just said emerald, we would know what you meant. For some reason the word positioning stands out to me. I think it is the sound...its a lot of syllables to try and fit into that line. There is an interesting relationship to the world scope used by the narrator to describe his or her action, and this man with the camera. There is a lot of looking going on in this poem. My favorite lines now are "A father and his curly-haired daughter
ReplyDeletefeed the swans pieces of hot dog buns" It is such a fun image. More importantly it is unexpected...such a beautiful creature wolfing down a hot dog. Unexpected moments in poetry are often so wonderful and that moment gives the poem something special.
Mel, it's been a while since my last comment, but I am back here today, rereading some things, and I noticed a lot of your verbs have "ing"s on the end. I think "filtrate", "positions", "preen" are stronger. Though if you're going for something impressionistic and impersonal, than maybe the "ing"s are appropriate. What do others think? Also, drop "the" before "two swans"?
ReplyDelete