Bubbles filtrating up through an emerald-like lake
A man positioning his camera as he beckons
for two swans to pose
The white swans preening themselves next to
to a glistening maple tree
A father and his curly-headed daughter feed the
swans pieces of hot dog buns
Up in the sky a jet-plane pulls a glider behind it
The sound of the Campanile chimes a quarter
after four
All the happening of a great Memorial Day
You've pared this down--made some nice changes. Cleaned it up. Maybe the last line needs work or changing...make it more surprising?
ReplyDeleteNami,
ReplyDeleteThis seems to be a snap shot of a moment. It seems so ideal and beautiful and calm. The verbs beckons and preening are vivid and telling. This man beckoning to the swans...it makes me wonder how he relates to them. He seems to be treating them like they understand. Who is the narrator of this poem? We see the scene, but we don't see any interaction with it until the last line, when whoever is looking at this makes a value judgement that it is great. Id like to see that feeling of great developed through the eyes of some actor in the scene. Or you could eliminate it and focus only on image, like a verbal photo.
Melissa. Not Nami! Sorry. I read the "posted by Nami" line and thought Nami was the author!
ReplyDeleteI like the verbal photo term. I like both versions.
ReplyDelete