Friday, December 17, 2010

From Ruth

Thank you, Debbie, for reminding us about this.  I'm going to put a newer version on one I put one a while back and see if people (if anyone reads this) think it's less confusing.  I used present tense for action on clothesline, past tense for marriage stuff.  Tried to clean it up a little but it's still kind of odd.
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The Physicist on the Hill, a Non-Love Poem


I drape a sweet scented sheet
on the line, and a beetle,
the same gravid shape
as the car of my ex, flops at the top
of the percale, then descends
with a buzz down the edge,

     like Bill's air-cooled Bug, as it rolled
     from the lab's steep-streeted hill
     to our home. Smug with his knack
     for making particles interact,
     Bill treated himself to a splash
     of good country red from France
     to suit the earthy chicken chasseur 
     he taught me to prepare.
     I salted, stirred, and served,
     then dinner devoured,
     he dropped to my limbs,
     slid down my skin,
     his heart not firing sparks enough to kindle
     my body nor warm the cold linen.

As bedclothes flap in the breeze,
the scarab reaches the place where fabric ceases,
scarcely hesitates,
then hastens out of my domain,

     like Bill in his Beetle
     who left me with a recipe
     for fowl and a squeamishness
     about my sheets. 

2 comments:

  1. Ruth,I left a comment about this yesterday, but for some reason it didn't post.I like how you have separated the two tenses. It seems to work well for this poem and make it easier to understand. I don't understand "He dropped to my limbs." I guess I can't picture what that means. Very nice job, I definitely
    like this better than the first one. debbie

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  2. Ruth,
    Sorry to be so long getting back to you. Everything got put on hold with finals. Again, the this poem is shaping up. Where are you sending it? Would you like some suggestions of places? I like how you are separating the "real" time with the beetle from memories of Bill. I still love the last line, and I like "decends with a buzz down the edge" which later mirrors Bill dropping to the limbs. I think that is literal here, where Bill is paying attention to the narrators body as a lover here. I think it is sensual and personal in a way that people can relate too. I like it that image.
    The one thing tripping me up here is the line "as the car of my ex, flops at the top" I wonder here what is flopping, the car or the ladybug. I wonder if you even need to make that parallel yet for the reader. Mayb jsut mentioning the type of car, a VW bug, later when Bill is rolling it down the hill will be enough, and the readers will draw their own connection between the two. Also, in this draft I didn't understand that "making particles interact" was him coasting down the hill to save gas. Maybe it isn't that, but then I didn't know what that meant exactly. Overall, this remains a stunning poem. I'm a huge fan of it.

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